Monthly Archive for May, 2006

Pardon Me

Have you ever come to the realization that if anyone knew exactly what was going on in your head they would understand how neurotic you really are? Every day that goes by I realize more and more how crazy I am. I am not normal. There is something wrong with me.

Now the fact that I am aware of this is at least the first step on the path to recovery.

Here are some things that I do that are kind of weird:

Whenever I am smoking a cigarette while I’m driving down the freeway, it is my goal to make it last at least 7 exits. If I am done with it before 7 exits I get really disappointed. How did I come up with 7? I have no idea.

Whenever I am in the car by myself I make up my own words to songs on the radio. Sometimes I even laugh out loud at myself when I hear what a dork I am. Why do I laugh out loud? Because it’s funny!

I sometimes dream about what it would be like to have been born 300 years in the future. I envision a world without war, violence, hunger, greed and I want to be part of it. I admit this mainly stems from my love for all of the “Star Trek” Series. I think this planet is capable of peace, and I wish I could be around to see it happen.

I reorganize my wallet at least once a week. I also clean out my computer desk drawer and reorganize it. I think I suffer from a minor case of obsessive compulsive disorder. If ever there are 2 objects on my desk pointing in dissimilar directions, it will bug the snot out of me. Because I am lazy, however, I usually don’t get up to fix it, which is why I go through life with constant discomfort and disappointment.

I have come so close to buying the “Magic Bullet” blender from the late night television advertisements. The nacho cheese they make looks so good.

I find myself more attracted to women who are already in relationships. This has been true for years. I am pretty sure this makes me a bad person.

This is just a small taste of how crazy I am. Maybe in future entries I will let you in on more secrets.

Breathe

I have been down for a while. I am wondering why I am here. I am wondering what I am doing. I believe God has a plan for me, I just wish I knew what it was, and if I am too far gone to fulfill it. There’s a light at each end of this tunnel and I’m just as far in as I’ll ever be out. These mistakes I’ve made, I’ll just make them again; if I only tried turning around.

Or maybe that’s what Utah represents. Maybe I am turning around. I am heading back the way I came. But that’s geographical. Internally I continue to run, like I always do. I can no longer run from myself. It is impossible. It is reckless. The more I run the more I lose myself and the more I lose myself the more I don’t like what I have become. This only causes me to continue running.

How do I break the cycle? What can I do? Do I even deserve to be happy? Maybe I am meant to continue wandering, remaining unattached from the world, myself, and everyone else.

We can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable. Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button. So we cradle our head in our hands, and breathe. Just breathe.