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Crash Into Me

Having a crush on someone feels exactly like it felt as a kid the night before a trip to Disneyland.  Excitement. Anticipation. Overload.

I can’t believe that after all of these years, I still get butterflies in my stomach when trying to talk to someone that I think I may “like”.  I mean, I communicate for a living.  It is what I do.  I have become quite skilled at translating abstract ideas into applicable lessons and stories in order to make a point.  I throw in a a couple cups of humor; 2tsp of sarcasm; and a dash of me not taking myself too seriously - and I am left with a recipe for successful communication. Despite this fact, if I am put in front of someone I am secretly admiring… it is complete chaos.

I think the problem could be the possibility that the area of the brain which normally provides my linguistic prowess, is also occupied by my desire for requited affection.  The two cannot occupy the same place at the same time.  Neurons will start crashing into each other.  Logic breaks down.  I begin to get nervous when the words do not get delivered by the same electrochemical silver platter in which I have become so accustomed.

The same thing happens the night before a trip to Disneyland.  We can only think of all of the daring roller coaster rides.  We remember how scary the Haunted House is.  We recall the Matterhorn being adventurous and dangerous.  We fall to sleep with a smile on our face because logic has faded behind a curtain of our own desire to be happy.

The next day we remember what a trip to Disneyland is really about.  2 hour drive to the park.  Long walk from the parking lot.  Hot California summer sun.  Excruciating long lines for rides that are not even as dangerous as we remembered.  The Haunted House is lame, and the Matterhorn is closed for repairs.  We stayed up all night excited for this? Please!

The lesson? I guess sometimes it is better just to be excited than it is to take the trip.

Where Would I Be?

First, I want to thank everyone for your prayers and good thoughts during my surgery and recovery.  It was not an easy experience for me.  My time in the hospital following the surgery was especially rough.  My adorable mom came and took care of me during the week following being released from the hospital.  I could not have made it without her help.

Now that I have been home for a couple weeks now, I realize that the physical distress felt from this surgery is no where near the emotional distress I am feeling now.

This surgery is just the beginning.  Sure, I have lost 40 pounds in 2 weeks, which is great.  What I need to do now is change my life.  I don’t want to have my life changed by the weight I lose.  I want the weight I lose to be caused by my change in lifestyle.  A lot of people assume that this surgery is a magical cure to obesity.  It is not.  I am still doing the hard work.  The surgery just makes it so it is almost impossible to cheat.

I need to surround myself with people who can encourage me, and who are as dedicated to living healthy lives as I need to be.

I have just begun this difficult journey.  The best is yet to come.

Love Me Dead

On Thursday I undergo surgery. It is a fairly common operation, however I am at high risk. I am nervous about having this procedure done, despite the fact that it will change my life forever in a positive way. Even though it is possible that gastric bypass surgery can in some cases lead to death, I am pretty certain that what I am doing now, isn’t living.

I do not feel human. I exist outside of the rest of the populace due to my size. I know full well that I did this to myself. There have been millions of choices that I have made that has led me to this point. Changing my decision making process at this point has become impossible without help. I need a drastic change. This surgery is that drastic change. Continue reading ‘Love Me Dead’